My Hero

I am in debt.

No, my credit card bills are not piling up (hopefully) but I owe a huge debt of gratitude towards my father.

I would not be the person and pastor I am today were it not for him.

They say we are all products of our own choices and decisions.  

While this is true, the way our parents raise us often determines how we make those life changing choices.

I would like to share a bit of my life with you today, especially as it relates to my father.

In some ways, this entry serves as an on-line journey (guys don’t call them dairies, but its basically the same thing!)

As I reflect back and process my upbringing and the impact my dad had on me, perhaps you will be encouraged to do the same. 

Perhaps your father has passed away, but you can take some time to remember back.  Perhaps he is still with you and this Father’s Day might be a bit different having taken some time to look back with a new and fresh perspective.  Perhaps you never knew your father, but have come to a loving understanding and relationship with your heavenly father.  I don’t know your story, but I hope that mine can speak to all sons (and daughters) out there.

It is not an extraordinary story.  It is not an uncommon story.  but that’s the point.  It is a very common story, perhaps much like yours, but it is my story, which I embrace and now share.

My father, Gary Haugh, was raised in Lexington, MA (birth place of the American Revolution).  His ancestry and parents were Norwegian..making him of course Norwegian.  Besides skiing, Norwegians are known for a bit of stoicism, hard work, conservative lifestyle and beliefs, and a love for boats (and i guess violent conquering if you factor the Vikings into the equation!)

Gifted with a brilliant mind, he enveloped himself into philosophy from the ancients to the contemporaries of his time who turned out to be the founders of postmodern thought).   I am sure like most of us, during his early high school years his curiosity got the best of him at times and he wandered from the faith tradition he was raised in. But Jesus had a plan and my father followed it by his late teens and early twenties.   He went to the University of Maine for undergrad and then attended Trinity Evangelical Divinity Seminary for his masters.  Called toward a deeper pursuit of truth and knowledge and with a desire to serve students, he volunteered as a youth leader at Grace Chapel in Lexington MA where he met and fell in love with my mom.  They got married and moved out to Indiana where he attended the University of Notre Dame (Go Irish!) and was working towards his PHD in Philosophy and Christian thought.

Now here is where the story turns.

Guess who suddenly came on the scene?  Yours truly. 

The first big decision my father had to make, and for which I will always be grateful and inspired by, was a choice between his personal and professional future or his young family and new son.

He choose the later.  He choose our future and not his own.

 Forgoing to finish his studies, my dad and mom moved back home to MA to have me.  After moving back from Indiana, my dad took a job with Analog Devices for about a year.  He worked the late shift and during that year I was born.

My mom recalls that when she had me, my dad would work his shift, go to my Nana’s house and rest for a bit, (the job was closer to my grandparents house than where we lived at the time) then come to the hospital (Winchester) to visit us. As she put it, “He was tired, but so proud of his little boy.”

 My dad took a job working at my uncle’s fish store in Arlington and my parents eventually moved into the second story apartment of my other  grandparents house in Arlington to save money and be close to family.  While still living in Arlington, my father started working UPS while still with Adams Seafood.  They needed the insurance and the extra pay helped make ends meet.

My entire family, including cousins all lived within a 15 minute drive and every holiday and birthday was celebrated together.  I went to the same school as my cousins and my family was everything to me.  That was my life and it was a great life.

I never realized what sacrifices both of my parents made until I got much older.  

I also never realized what I did not have.  It never once crossed my mind to compare what we had (and did not have) with my other friends.

My younger sister Lauren came along a few years later and by the time I was 12 my parents were able to purchase their first home and so we moved to NH.   My dad had to continue to work two jobs to provide for our family. 

He managed a Friendly’s restaurant by day and then worked the night shift at a UPS warehouse. I never thanked him for that back then because I was young and selfish and never understood the tremendous sacrifice he made for his family.

And yet despite putting in all those hours (and I am sure stressing over finances), my sister and I never once had a need.  

Church and ministry was always a priority and so was spending time with his two children. 

My dad never missed one baseball game and we made sure to take family vacations. Apparently when I was younger my dad and I were talking and he mentioned something about working long hours – wishing he had had more time with me, and I said ” Dad, even though you were busy – you always made the time to be there”…… and he did.

Every January we were go to Cape Cod.  January?  Yes, January. 

Back then, I just thought it was a great time to get away since we had an extra few days off, but I am sure that the prices were much cheaper then and we probably could not afford to visit Cape Cod during the summer.  But it didn’t matter.  I looked forward to going every year and staying at the Gull Wing hotel and going to my favorite Hearth and Kettle restaurant where we would sit by the window overlooking the pond and watch the geese swim. 

We would also vacation every summer at Lake Winnapasaukee in NH.  My father grew up going there in the summers as well, and it was there that I learned to swim, fish, hit a whiffle ball, drive a boat, and learned about the beauty and majesty of God’s creation.  I still take 1-2 weeks every August and return for vacation.

Every other vacation we would drive to visit family or see historic sites from America’s past.  I never flew on a plane or visited Disney World, but I never cared.  Looking back, I wonder if my dad felt bad about those vacations and about what we were not able to do, but perhaps he saw the joy that it brought his children and thanked God for those moments.

I have learned that is not about  what you do or where you go, but about how you make the the most of every opportunity. 

I have students in my youth group now who travel the world with their families (Africa, Europe, hosting private Disney parties) but have virtually no relationship with their father. Money cannot buy happiness anymore than it can buy a relationship with your dad.

Also looking back I was never ashamed or embarrassed about what my father did.  Where I live now, what your father does becomes a symbol and source of identity and a mark of either pride or ridicule.  The students whose fathers are CEO’s in NYC or celebrities are thought more highly of than those whose father’s just work for “the man”.

But growing up, I loved what my dad did. When he managed the fish store, every Saturday he would pick me up in the “Big Truck” (which turns out was never that big!),  and we would drive into Boston to pick up fresh fish from the markets.  I would eagerly wait with excitement gazing out my frond window at home until I saw my dad pull up in the truck. I loved Saturdays and still the smell of ocean and fish brings back amazing childhood memories.  My dad would sign hymns and other Christian songs like “As the Deer” to me on those drives.  He probably didn’t have the greatest voice in the world, but to me it was angelic and when I hear those same songs today, it brings tears to my eyes.

When he worked at Friendly’s I would go in and get fries and a coke and want to help cook or clean or whatever I could do.  Through his example, my dad taught me the value of hard work and there is no shame in providing for your family. In fact, it is a great honor and responsibility that he took seriously.

One more note to share.    While we were still in MA, we switched churches.  I cannot remember why, but it may have had to do with the enormous size our church was getting and my parents wanting to be a be part of a more intimate community. (hmm sound like much of my writing and views?)

But at this new church, there was no youth group.  They could not afford a youth pastor and so my dad volunteered to lead the youth group.  There were probably 3-4 guys in total, but my dad gave up one evening a week to come to the church.  There was no budget I am sure, but on the way to church we would stop by the grocery store to pick up some chips and soda out of his own pocket.

 I remember playing kickball and other fun games both indoors and outdoors and I remember my dad being there.  I really don’t remember any particular lesson, but I do remember that I made friends there and learned about God’s love and plan for my life.  

I had a good time and looked forward to youth group.  That stuck with me over the years and though I strayed from the faith for some time, I was well rooted and established and eventually came back to youth group and to Jesus.

My dad was no youth ministry expert and I am sure it was a challenge to take his higher level advanced thinking about the faith and bring it down to a level where 8-14 year old boys could grasp it.  But my dad was present to us and he was always present to me.  His presence made God’s presence seem real and tangible.  God used my father in bigger ways than even he could have imagined.  Twenty years later his son (me) is a youth pastor and speaking and writing to encourage those just like my father.

I am also blessed because my father is still with me and hopefully will be for years. Our relationship has grown and developed into a true friendship.  He was my best man in my wedding two years go. 

When I went through a very difficult personal and spiritual time a number of years back, my dad was there for me.  He was there to listen, to cry, and and prayer. 

When I was ordained as a pastor, my father was there to support and celebrate.

And when the Red Sox finally won the World Series, my father was the first person I called.

Often on Father’s Day, we get or receive tools.  Most guys like tools (regardless if they even know how to use them!)

A few years back my dad gave me a great little book called “10 Things I Want My Son to Know: Getting him ready for Life” by Steve Chapman.

There is a great poem inside that I wanted to share as it relates to the “tools” of fatherhood.

“Tools for the Trade”

If you are a father, you are a builder

And your children will become what you’ve made

Please do your best, and please don’t forget

God gave you the tools for the trade

He gave you eyes to see where your child might go wrong

And feet to lead them safely through

Hands to hold their hands

And lips to say, “I love you”

He gave you arms to hold them when they are afraid

Time to wait until they’re calm

Ears to hear between their lines

Tears to cry when they’re gone

And your knees are for playing

And they’re also for praying

That God will watch over the child

And in those times you can’t say it

But they still need to hear it

You can say, “I love you” with your smile

If you are a father, you are a builder

And your children will become what you’ve made

Please don’t forget that you can do your best

God gave you the tools for the trade 

______________________________________________________________________________________________

They say that when a person passes, what is left is our memories and his or her legacy.  I will always have great memories of my dad and hope to build on them in the years to come.  We have pilgrimages each summer traveling across the  country watching our beloved Red Sox play in different stadiums and experience the local cuisines and pubs.

But I know that one day those moments will cease and so I desire to make the most of every single opportunity I can, and I encourage you to do to the same.

I know that one day my father will enter the presence of Jesus.  He will be known then through his son, me.  I hope to make him proud and build on his legacy.  I hope the name Haugh is known far and wide and that my dad’s story is told.  I hope we are remembered for our grace filled love, pursuit  of knowledge and truth, and relationship with Jesus that impacted people and changed lives.

We share great moments now talking theology, faith, philosophy, sports, and enjoying much different vacations than when I was a child, but the spirit has always remained the same.  I am one of the fortunate ones.  Through my earthly father, I have experienced the love of my heavenly father in ways unimaginable.  I have witnessed first hand loving discipline, grace, forgiveness, and hope that only a father can provide.  Through my dad I have received a glimpse of what God is like and my deepest prayer is that if God blesses me with a son or daughter some day, I can follow in the footsteps of my dad. 

Through my father’s sacrifice and selflessness, I have learned the value of family, hard work, faith in Christ, commitment, being content in all situations, and enjoying all that life has to offer. 

In youth ministry, my greatest heroes are the volunteers, men and women, moms and dads untrained, but with a love of God and a desire to see students come to know him. 

In life my hero is my father, Gary Haugh. 

Thank you Dad and I will always cherish our memories

with much love, affection, and deep appreciation

Happy Father’s Day to all.

Daniel Gary Haugh-     Father’s Day, 2009

(dad with his new son)

(the young Haugh family in Lexington, MA)

(Dad and son while in Haiti)

(dad as best man on August, 11, 2007)

Shift #6: From Big To Small

Here is the over simplified statement.

We need to get smaller.

Ok, I don’t actually mean losing weight like in the Biggest Loser (kind of a cool and ironic title)

Youth ministries need to get smaller.

We have lost our sense of intimacy, community, and intimacy when we moved to the big arenas and stadium style seating in our youth rooms.  The early churches were house churches. They were small, organic, and probably felt much like a family gathering.  Small youth groups have a similar feel and that is a good thing.  These are the groups when each student is personally contacted and has relationships with the youth pastor and youth leaders.  Names are known, specific prayers are offered, birthdays are celebrated, prom pictures taken, sporting games, school recitals, graduations and hopefully one day weddings attended.

In these types of groups and settings, when one student is missing, it changes the dynamics of the entire community.  They feel special, wanted, appreciated, and invested in.  It is hard to have that kind of atmosphere in the midst of hundreds of students.  For those of you in large churches, don’t think of your situation as better.  You probably have a greater challenge in finding ways to create a sense of small and intimate than the small church leader down the road.

I personally cannot speak of that situation. I don’t know what it is like to have 500 students show up at a youth meeting like many of you might. But I hope to learn from you and possibly encourage/challenge you to put yourself in their shoes for the evening.  While I am sure the glamor and excitement of the lights, music, skits, band, and youth pastor protected on the overheard screen is appealing, how do those things reach down into the inner pockets of their heart and soul?  Sometimes students can easily hide behind the glitz never to fully engage their entire beings.  For deep healing to occur, for spiritual formation to develop, for authentic and life-long relationships to be built, and for the still small voice of God’s spirit to be heard, we must get smaller… somehow.

I have adapted and combined some previous posts regarding this and concluded with a new ending.  This new culmination serves as additional thoughts, questions, and challenges regarding the Big vs. Small issue of youth ministry.

My premise is that emerging youth ministries will celebrate being small or (for the bigger ones) find ways to create a more intimate atmosphere for students.

There exists a myth out there that bigger is better.  This myth certainly has impacted the maintstream media but has also found its way into youth ministry and has infiltrated our philosophies and approache.  I will explain.At youth group, we play a game about once a year called “Bigger or Better”

We send groups of 5 out into the community armed with one roll of toilet paper. (not to throw at houses and cars as some students have assumed over the years!)  Each group’s goal is to obtain something from a neighbor that is either bigger or better. Sounds pretty simple, but you would be amazed at the stories over the years…and the crap we have received! (not to mention a few police run ins).

One thing that this sort of game demonstrates is that the roll of toilet paper really is not very desirable.  And, while it is fairly easy to observe and judge which new item is bigger…how does each group decide upon what is better?  I would imagine their thought process and decision making would alter depending on whether or not someone really had to the use the bathroom!

Awhile back,  I was down south (in the heart of the Bible belt) and was talking with some fellow youth pastors.  One of whom had a very large youth group.  He was a great guy and never once actually threw out a number (like so many youth pastors do)

By the way…have you ever noticed when someone at a conference asks “How is your ministry doing?” generally they really mean to say “how big is yours?…..”

But this guy talked about their programs, the masses of “unreached” students who come into their warehouse each Friday to play video games, skateboard, make fried food, and hear a message about Jesus.

All of which sounded really cool (and since his youth group business card had a cool graphic design on it) I stood awed and amazed.

For some reason, I figured I could learn from this guy since his made mine look small (typical boy locker room stuff, right?)

I don’t mean to be crude, but this was actually how I felt that evening.

So when my turn came to speak about my ministry, I sheepishly told him what we did not have.

That list was pretty long and took some time to verbalize.

But then…

I shared with him the graduation parties I went to, the birthday parties, sporting events, and recitals I have been to. I shared with him the times I have had my students over for a meal, the intimate and honest conversations we have each night at youth group, and how I truly feel like part of their family over the years.

Tears started to form in his eyes.

And as he wiped away the misty glow he stated, “Man, that’s what youth ministry is supposed to be about. I envy what you guys have going up there in New York.”

Imagine that!  A big time Bible belt mega church youth pastor envious of some no name, no logo, no website youth ministry tucked away in the liberal North East!

So what’s so amazing is that in the pursuit of the Big, we have lost a sense of the Best.

Students really don’t care about being entertained or being surround by thousands of teens. Sure, it may generated a sense of temporary excitement, but what they ultimately value and appreciate are youth leaders who enter into their lives and not stand apart from it.

You see, it is easier to hide behind productions and programs that we do for the teens, than to enter into the messiness of teenage life and be burdened by their individual struggles, fears, and doubts.

But the last time I check, most youth pastors went into the ministry to do just that. But somewhere along the way we got the Bigger is Better itch (maybe at a conference or by visiting another youth group.

We come back to our tiny youth room with old couches and think..I must be doing something wrong.

We think…”Maybe a new book with new ideas will spark my ministry. Maybe I need a bigger budget. Yeah, that’s the ticket. A bigger budget will somehow lead to more students, and then somehow having more students will lead to more spiritual growth.”

I contend that sometimes just the opposite is true in emerging youth ministry.

I was recently at a panel discussion for youth pastors and the question asked by one of the youth ministry students was “how large is your youth group?”  While a few were teetering around 10-15, the majority of youth groups in our area hover around 25-35 students (who actually attend). Of course there is always that anomaly. This particular youth leader proudly boasted of over 100 students. Everyone was enamored until they heard me.

(you are probably thinking to your self, “self, how big is his youth group?)

I answered by saying we have _____amount of students, but are trying to get…smaller!

Stunned silence. This was probably not the reaction or answer they were expecting.

You don’t often hear youth pastors saying that they are trying to decrease in size.

Have you ever heard any type of entrepreneurial business or organization boast of downsizing?

But, if we were to be honest with ourselves, isn’t  that what youth ministry has actually become?

A sort of self-promoting entrepreneurial enterprise…that exists for the glory of God..(and self) but of course we keep that on the hush hush!

Usually, youth pastors try to get large budgets, higher attendance, more buses, and use what they have to leverage for more and better.

Kind of sounds like a start-up company turning into a Fortune 500!

And certainly the Wall Streets of youth ministries are known across the country, and envied by everyone.

well..not everyone

Now let me clarify the subtitle of this chapter. By downsizing I do not necessarily mean preaching so hard a message that would drive away even the apostle Paul from your youth group. Nor do I advocate installing morality detectors at the door to minimize the number of unruly or uncommitted students.

It should be noted that some argue for this, because Jesus was apparently always thinning out the crowds looking for the “true disciples”.

I don’t think it is wise to intentionally try to eliminate kids (yes even the really smelly and annoying ones who always seem to show up early and leave late)

However, rather then focusing so much time, effort, and often money into bring new kids in…

let’s focus on equipping and ministering to the ones we already have!

If the youth group grows, so be it.

But even if it does not (numerically), your current students will experience life-changing relationships that will impact their high school and college years through adulthood (and probably will be a greater impact for the kingdom of God down the road then many of the mega groups)

Here are some ides:

Rather than do your annual winter ski retreat that 50 kids will come out to, change your winter retreat to a weekend service project. your may “downsize” to 25 kids but will guarantee have more of an impact of those who do come.

Change your popular progressive diner night to a feeding the hungry night (help out with a food pantry, soup kitchen, or actually walk the streets and feed the homeless)

With big groups comes big challenges

But I think that one of the biggest problems is that the sheer size of a group can limit the possibilities and potential.

It is hard to be accountable to 50 friends.

It is hard to see how you make a difference when lost in a crowd of 2,000 at some conference

It is hard to commune (fellowship) with God and others when being shuffled around like cattle from thing to thing in the midst of an endless torrent of media.

Simply put, it is really hard to journey down the path of spiritual formation and connectivity in the big.

This could be one of the reasons why house churches worked so well for the early church and some people argue that the institution of Christianity in Rome (and subsequent building of massive worship centers) began the downfall of the early church.

Mark Oestricter (YS Marko) brilliantly states,   “Smallness prioritizes relationships over numbers”, and only in the small can students genuinely and authentically discover true mission, identity, communion, and intimacy with others and God.

He continues this theme in his book Youth Ministry 3.0

Communion necessitates small.

Contextualization begs for small.

Discernment requires small.

Mission is lived out in small.

So, if your current youth ministry is not as big as you once dreamed, thank God for that and refocus your time and effort on the spiritual health and growth of the students.

Another problem with large youth ministries is big events.

There used to be a time where I wanted to host big events…I have to admit.

The more students who walked into our doors, the more impactful I thought the night would be.

In my mind, this equation was constantly at work

more students= better youth group

Things have changed however.

Last year we hosted a Halloween party with another youth group.

We packed the place out, the kids were crazy, and it took us about 2 hours to clean up after. Of course with that came a bunch of noisy, chaotic teenagers running around our church loaded up on candy and dressed funky.

At first i thought I was the man!

I mean really…having that many kids in our church at one time (I could even somehow manipulate the numbers so it looked like our average attendance was increasing..brownie points for elders!)

But as I got to reflecting and conversing with my team, I realized that something was amiss.

I asked these important, and often missed questions, and received these answers.

How many conversations did you have with new kids?- zero

How many in depth conversations did you have with our own kids?- zero

Do you think the kids felt or experience the warmth and love of Jesus?- maybe, but doubtful

Then it hit me like a bulldozer plowing into an old building..or more like getting smacked in the privates if the truth be told.

We were so busy doing crowd control that we could not do youth ministry!

So, why did we do this event in the first place?

Now, sometimes these events are worthwhile for a number of reasons

1)  You can get to know new students and have new students get to know your program.

2) It can provide and safe and easy way for students to invite their friends to church.

3)  Once you have them in your church, you can lock the doors, give them pizza and then trick them into listening to a message about their sins!

But what I have experienced and conclude is that an overall approach like this is unhealthy and unwise and should not be our ultimate aim or goal (as it was mine when I first started out)

I mistakingly thought that we would really “arrive” as an established youth ministry if we could begin hosting large events like this maybe once a month. I would lie awake at night imagingin having multiple youth groups, kids coming in from the streets, maybe even atract a football player or two!

All the while, never realizing that what we have already been doing…had been incredible and powerful.

The Wed nights, emails, conversations, coffee times, MacDonalds visits, recitals, dinner invitations at home, with the group we already had…these were building long-lasting friendships.

We were really entering into the lives of these students, their pain and suffering along with their joys and hopes.

It is hard to do that with teenagers you meet just once and hardly have the time to even get their names right.

So for the sake of our students, let’s find ways to get smaller.  Perhaps through intentional small groups, more phone conversations, one-on-one meetings, smaller and more frequent events, etc… we can create an atmosphere where every single student feels cared for and nurtured.

In a way, we want to be like that great TV show back in the 80’s Cheers

Cheers- Boston

Our students want to go where “Everybody knows your name”.

I will close simply by posting the lyrics to the famous theme song from the show.  I think these words can aptly describe what we hope our youth ministries feel like to students.  Emerging youth groups will have that Cheers type of atmosopher and live out the lyrics

- Cheers Lyrics

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

Shift #5- from Agenda driven to Presence centered

Typically youth pastors don’t like agendas.  If we attend a conference and an agenda is given to us, we usually intentionally blow off a good number of the “required” meetings.   Our eyes roll back when we sit in a board meeting and a lengthy agenda is handed to us and we know that we will be there for a long time.  We don’t like people telling us what we have to do and when we have to do it.

We feel a bit babied

Agendas can be useful and helpful to keep people on track and focused.  Agendas can lead to productivity and a sense of accomplishment, but when agendas dominate the day, there is a lack of freedom that quite often is counter productive to true growth and personal maturity.

Here is the deal with youth ministry.

We have 2 agendas.

The first agenda is what we hope to accomplish at each youth meeting. I have  attended some youth groups that actually have a print out of exactly what they are doing for every five minute span.

example:

7-7:05- Welcome

7:05-7:12- announcement videos

7:12-7:15- prayer

7:15-:730- lesson

etc..

they even had a scheduled 14 minutes for “hang out time”

Sometimes students are even handed these agenda/ schedules upon arrival at the meetings and told they must follow.

I wonder, where is the room for creativity, flexibility, fellowship, the movement of God’s spirit?

The second type of agenda is more hidden, but can be more harmful.

We set up agendas for each student in our ministry. For example,  what we want them to get out of our lessons, how we want them to grow spiritually, what we want them to look like upon graduation, and so on.

My old mission statement actually had these words:  ”upon graduation we want our students to…..”

So we spend all of this time creating programs that will attract students to our ministry and then set up structures and systems so that that will buy in and conform to our agendas for them.

Now there is nothing wrong (I believe) with having goals for your ministry and hopes and dreams for your students. We should. They will drive our prayer life and move us with compassion.

However, often what is lost is just being present with the students…no agendas driving our conversations or relationships.

You see if we have certain agendas and they do not pan out they way we planned or hoped for, then often we get disappointed and frustrated and those emotions wear on our sleeves like a bad stain of wine (or grape juice for you Baptists)

Often our affection, time, and prayer are affected by our agendas.  What happens to our relationships with students once they clearly will not live up to our agendas?  I recently had a conversation with a father of a former female student who is getting married to her girlfriend.  He told me, “My goals for my daughter (married, 2.5 kids, house in suburbs) is clearly not going to happen. My prayer now is that God’s will.”

Being Presence-centered simply means be fully engaged in the lives of our teens.  Looking at them with the eyes of Jesus. Actively listening to their stories, struggles, fears, hopes, and dreams and allowing them the freedom to be…them.

Mark Yaconelli writes these words about the presence centered ministry of Jesus:

“In contrast to our lives of spinning isolation is Jesus’ life of relationship and presence.  Jesus’ presence, his capacity to love and be with people, is transformative.  You can see it in the way he listens, shares food, spends time, weeps, walks, touches, responds, and cares for others.  Jesus enjoys being with people. He enjoys being with God.  His ministry, it seems, doesn’t come from a pre-planned formula but instead rises in response to the real situations and relationships he encounters.”

Wow!  If only our youth ministries could look and feel like that!

There are some very good books written about the need for “presence” and authentic relationships in youth ministry.

Presence Centered Ministry by Mike King

Revisiting Relational Youth Ministry by Andrew Root

Contemplative Youth Ministry by Mark Yaconelli

From my experience, the idea of presence centered ministry is two-fold:

1) We need to be fully present in the life of our students.

To be with them and for them in any and all situations. No strings attached. No agendas to meet.

We are there when the laugh and when they cry. We are there in the joyful moments and the depressing ones. We are they when they question God and when they are praising him.  We are there when they wonder about their sexuality and when they think suicidal thoughts.  We are simply there for them in and through all of life.

This means relating to youth in the way Jesus related to people- with authenticity, transparency, approachability, and accessibility.

The incarnation of Jesus is not about influence but about solidarity in common humanity, and so presence-centered youth ministry should be the same.

As Andrew Root writes, “Relational Youth ministry is about suffering with adolescents. It’s about sharing in their place with empathy, sympathy, and commonality…We must reach out to their (teens) humanity even if it means the suffering of our own humanity, for this is the way of the cross…We have offered them trips to Disneyland, sill games and cool youth rooms, not companionship in their darkest nights, their scariest of hells.”

We need to be fully present in the lives of our students as all times; through the good and especially through the bad and difficult days. Do our students know that they are unconditionally cared for and expected no matter what?

We may be disappointed with decisions they make, but will chose to be present in their life regardless.  We value them as human beings, created in God’s image, not as objects to be “won”.

2)  We place structures around them to allow the presence of Jesus to be encountered and experienced.

Ultimately the most important thing is for our students to be with Jesus and for Jesus to be with them and for them.  As hard as we try and as long as we stay, we cannot always be there in their lives.  We cannot be as present to them as God can.

Because of this reality, our task as youth leaders is to demonstrate the presence of Jesus in our own lives and guide students towards a position and place to receive as we have.  If we are to have agendas, programs, structures, or schedules in place for our students, i hope it is not to keep them busy, occupied, wired, and amped up.

Our students need to understand and experience that God is not some emotional high or abstract belief; He is a present reality- available and trustworthy, offering real rest, purpose, inspiration, and adventure.

I hope our approach and ministries focus around Presence.

Students being with their peers and caring adults and our students celebrating and experiencing the presence of Jesus.  Its not that Jesus can’t be experienced through a media frenzied action packed 2 hours of caffeine and games. More likely though, it is when we help remove the clutter, distractions, and busyness and settle down and rest in God that we receive. Jesus is always present. Its not like we are invoking him to come.

But traditional agendas sometimes don’t allow our students to see and hear Jesus in their midst. They are too occupied doing other things than simply being there in the presence of God.  Or, we are trying to convince them of something or motivate them towards something else.

In his conclusion to Part 1, Root writes, “relationships have been used for cultural leverage (getting adolescents to believe or obey) rather than as the concrete location of God’s action in the world…Youth ministry of influence has very little to do with the incarnation…the incarnation is not about influence but accompaniment.”

“Christ calls me into self-giving, suffering love for the adolescent, with no pretense or agenda.”

Here is a quick rundown and chart of the difference in the two approaches.  I am trying hard in my own ministry to shift toward the later approach and philosophy of presence.

Agenda-based (traditional) vs.      Presence centered (emerging) *Adapted from Contemplative Youth Ministry

Seeks control seeks contemplation (how can I be present to kids and to God?)

wants products desires presence (who will bear the life of God among teenagers?)

rests in results rests in relationships (Who are the students we’ve befriended?)

seeks conformity brings out creativity

wants activity  and business brings awareness (what are the real needs of my youth?)

Frank Rogers describes a ministry of presence as “seeing and being seen, hearing and being heard, being moved by others and allowing others to be moved by us, responding with acts of kindness and receiving acts of kindness, and embodying a sense of delight in all our interactions.”

I believe that in youth ministry, two of the most important things we can do is to see and hear. We need to see our students with the eyes of Jesus; see them as they are, not as the culture judges them or as we wish them to be.   When we see them through this lens we are moved with more compassion and genuine love and interest for them.

Secondly, we need to hear them.  This implies a real and active approach that does not jump quickly to correct or find answers for them.  I struggle to listen to my students without my normal “filters” of wrong and right.  I usually listen to see if they can repeat what I ‘ve told them or listen while formulating my solution and advice the entire time.   It is said that the person who can no longer listen to others will soon be no longer listening to God.

It is also a ministry of trust.  We must trust God and allow Him to move freely in the lives of our students. After all, we cannot control their spiritual growth. We can certainly try to manipulate it with agendas, but real, true, authentic growth is a work of the heart and a result of God’s indwelling spirit and presence in the life of the student.  God is in control. We can pray, lead by example, help place our students in the paths of presence, and be fully present to them by hearing and seeing with the ears and eyes of Jesus.

If we can begin affirming these things in our life and ministry, we will see the shift occur from being agenda driven to presence centered. And when all the agenda of youth group disappear after they graduated and leave our presence, our prayer is that  the presence of God will continue to lead, guide, and direct the rest of their lives.

How to connect with me

One of the great aspects of blogging for me has been the conversations and relationships built over these past few months. I really enjoy reading and responding to your comments and learning from each of you.  I love social connectivity, especially when it relates to ministry.  

Having said that, I would love to connect further with you.  You should be able to subscribe to this blog and get updated emails by clicking on the RSS button on the right end of the webs browser.        

It may just look like an orange arrow.

Also, you to follow me on Twitter by clicking down below on the right column on the home page

and you can find my on facebook by clicking on the my facebook profile picture.

If you are ever in the Northeast, shoot me an email and let’s get together.  

I will also be  doing some regional training for Enroute and possibly some writing for Barefoot Publishing this summer/fall. If you are anywhere near the metro NYC area, look for a one-day training event this fall and we would love to have you attend. 

                                                            

I hope to stay connected with you all and wanted to thank you again for your support, friendship, encouragement, and inspiration as we journey together down this road called youth ministry.

6 word essay

(I will return to the Shift series next week, but wanted to take a quick break to throw this topic/question out there to readers)

I was watching Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN and they were reading entries for some contest.  The objective was to describe your health/public safety occupation in 6 words on less

It was called the 6 word essay.

I heard some professionals brilliantly and briefly define what they did or their role in six concise words

(you think you know where this is heading?)

I was wondering about youth ministry. So often we are asked, “What do you do?”

You and I know just how long and complicated our actual job description is.  It seems impossible to describe in 1,000 words or less what we do day in and day out.

But I also think there is both beauty and power in being able to succinctly define our role, calling, and passion.

When we are clearly focused on the basics of what we do and why we do it, it may just enable us to do it better.

We may be less inclined to do other things that detract and distract us from those 6 words

I honestly haven’t given this much thought, since i just watched the show this morning.

But here goes:

Youth Ministry: Love God. Love Students.

It would be fun to get your take.

I will post all comments

What is your 6 word essay: 

answer one of two questions (or both):

1) What is youth ministry?

2) What do you do?

Let the contest begin 

*disclaimer, no real prizes, accolades, or egos will be served as the result of this contest!